Lucy’s Diet; and word from a CAT

Dear Bogart,

Thank you for addressing my diet issues. Sitting close to my human’s grandchildren held a lot of promise three or four years ago. Grazing near the table is pretty slim pickin’s now. I will have to perfect my methods. I have heard my dog mom mention something about being weighed soon. I’ll let you know how that goes. I am concerned about Roxy (who is the dog of my human’s grandchildren) who told me that a trip was being planned for her to the vet clinic where Roxy thinks that she is going to be tutored. I hope she gets her hearing checked while she is there. By the way, I think you are somewhat of a celebrity with the “Barking with Bogart” column. Remember, we have to stick together! Have a great 4th of July and don’t get too jumpy with the fireworks going off.

~Woof, Lucy

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Dear Lucy,

I hope the scale is friendly to you. If it’s not, I suggest everytime your humans step on a scale to secretly stand behind them and press your paw on it. You’ll have to be sneaky, so you might practice when they aren’t there. Apply just enough pressure to add 15 pounds. Then your humans will have to go on the diet too. And then you aren’t having to watch them eat all things good while you eat cardboard. Yes! Roxy needs to get her hearing checked. Because boy oh boy is she in for a surprise. If they make her come home wearing
one of those cones around her head, please don’t laugh at her. I’m just warning you because I’ve seen this before and its ridiculous looking. She’s going to be feeling badly enough when she realizes that she heard a ‘T” instead of a “N”. She’ll definitely need a lot of support. Fireworks are a dogs dismay. I wonder if next week we’ll have some new dogs joining our support group? Let me know how the weigh-in goes. I’ll be thinking of other things that might help you out.
Signed, MY NAME IS BOGART

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Dear Bogart,

I have enjoyed reading about your heroic rescue of the kittens. It is very reassuring that not all dogs have phobias concerning cats. I do think that Lucy who recently wrote to you probably does need a support group. Dogs! She thinks she must put up with cats? Cats have forever had to take the backseat to dogs like her. People think that dogs are the only ones who can fetch or walk on a leash. Not so! Why from the time I was just a kitten I have loved to ride in pickups and look out the window. I walk on a leash and fetch several toys. Why my Lady even takes me for rides on her bicycle: she tethers me in her basket with little bungee cords, lest a dog pounce out and startle me. Lucy certainly thinks highly of herself, while it truly is cats who deserve accolades.

Sincerely,~Little Bit Feline Extraordinaire

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Dear Lil Bit,

Thanks for writing! You are a very talented cat. But I have to wonder if you are having an identity crisis? Cats aren’t supposed to walk on leashes, fetch or ride in pick ups looking out the window. But since you can do all of these things, I’ll let you join Lucy and me in the support group. Sounds like you need help. I’ll start by telling you what I know about cats. Cats are supposed to lick themselves – I think you should spend about six hours a day doing this. Cats are climbers so instead of walking on a leash you might try finding the highest spot in your human’s house and then figure out how to climb up there. It doesn’t matter if there are important things in that high spot, just walk around in circles and knock it all off until you have enough room to lay down. Once you have done this, you should spend about 15 hours a day sleeping. When your humans feed you, you should do cute things that make us real dogs raise one eye brow, tilt our head and then put our paw over our eyes, I would recommend starting with the toy you play fetch with. I think you should probably not actually fetch it for your humans. That’s a dog’s job. I think a cat should just chase it in circles. You also need to try and get on kitchen counters. A dog would never do this. You should spend about two hours a day keeping your humans entertained by chasing you off of the counters. That leaves about an hour left in your day. I know it will take awhile to realize you are a cat and not a dog, so I suggest continuing to ride in the front of the pick up with your humans as long as you can, If they are sneaky humans they will try and teach you how to get in the back end. DON’T DO IT. Once they figure out you can jump that high, they will want you there all of the time. Oh, and I’m not sure bungee cords are good for cats. If a dog is jumping at you while on bike rides it’s probably because we think you are being kidnapped and need rescued. I am sorry you are having this identity crisis. Thanks for writing, you sound like a nice enough cat, I hope I helped.
Signed, MY NAME IS BOGART