A Mudhole for a Bath Plan

Dear Bogart,
My hooman is crazy! She
took us in this place she calls
the baffroom and shut the
door. Then she put me in a
slippery box she calls a tub
and sprayed water all over
me. We do not like to be wet!
i tried many times to climb
out of this box but as i said,
it was slippery and she kept
stopping me. Then she put this
bubbly stuff on me and rubbed
it all over me – everywhere.
Then she sprayed more and
more water and rubbed until
the bubbly stuff was gone. If
she didn’t want the bubbly
stuff on me why did she put
it there? Finally she threw
what she called a “towel” on
me and lifted me out of the
box and rubbed me all over
with the towel. She wouldn’t
let me shake till she was done.
Then she did the exact same
thing to the big guy – Woof. He
didn’t like it either. She even
gave our harnesses a baff. We
have made it quite clear all
the other times she has gone
crazy like this that we do not
like baff. She keeps saying how
soft we are and that we smell
so good. Well we are soft all the
time and smell just fine. Just
because she does this baff
thing to herself EVERY single
day doesn’t mean she needs to
do it to us. Yes, we are her furbabies but we no like baff!
I know it’s our job to follow
her in the baffroom when she
potties cause she goes outside
with us when we potty, but
i’m not going to! Woof said
he wasn’t either but he forgot
already. Will she ever learn?
Is your hooman crazy like this
too? What’s a dog to do?
Loyally,
~Peanut

Dear Peanut,
I am sorry you have to take a
bath. My humans don’t make
me take a bath. They don’t
really let me in the house.
But they are always brushing
me. We do have a fish pond
and I like to clean off daily in
there. They say I smell like
fish so they don’t let me in
the house at all. It sounds like
it takes your human a lot of
time giving you baths. Maybe
if you worked extra hard to
get dirty every day she would
just let you be, it would be a
lot of work to give you both
baths daily. So my recom-
mendation is to go outside and
see if you can find anything
that doesn’t smell good. Then
roll in it. Then run around a
bunch and work up a sweat.
This will probably result in
more baths to begin with but
if you do it every day she’ll
soon get tired of it. And try
and get away as soon as she
gives you a bath and go roll in
dirt. Then just make sure you
get outside when the sprinkler
is running and get a little wet
and take care of yourself, you
could also dig a big hole in the
yard and when she waters her
grass it will fill up with water.
This should work nicely for
taking care of your personal
hygiene. Now remember the
hole has to be pretty deep if
you want it to fill up with wa-
ter. I have found holes serve
many useful purposes, so if
you want to practice digging a
bathing hole in several places
in the yard, you’ll eventually
find one that works just right
for you.
Best of Luck!
Your friend,
~MY NAME

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