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Humiliated, Bogart Responds

Dear Editor:
I would like to express how humiliated I was by the story and picture you printed in last week’s newspaper about me.
Thanks to your story, I have become the laughing stock of the dog world. I can’t go anywhere without hanging my head! Did you know that I’m not supposed to like kittens?
No one ever told me this!
And then you put it in the paper and even refer to me as a nimrod. I am definitely going to want a retraction on that and some reimbursement to ease the pain and embarrassment – I think at least two rawhides will help ease my pain.
Since you told all of the world that I love kittens, I figure
I should educate you on a few issues I have with you.
First let me begin by telling you my name is Bogart. I don’t know why you are always calling me “No Bogart.’ And then there’s the issue when we go somewhere and you take baggies. You put poop in a bag! It reaffirms my belief that all poop must be closely examined, but once again you use my wrong name and say “No Bogart’. It is really unfair that you get to play with the poop. But I can not.
And then there is the issue of when you come home and take off your foot stink chew toys. “NO Bogart” Well, what else I am supposed to do with them? They have been marinating in that stink all day. And I just can’t help my self. They are so tasty.
Also, I have a small problem
with my boundaries in the yard. You humans dig holes everywhere and then put interesting things in them. But when I try and help dig holes it’s ‘No Bogart’. And I really don’t understand why you don’t understand how much I like to dig holes and bury things and then dig them back up. So why can’t I dig up the things you guys bury too? I guess tomato plants must be special because you really got my name wrong on that one. ‘DANG IT NO BOGART!’
And when we have company
– I happen to like to sniff them in the shorts area. Have you ever thought about how you look someone in the eyes and say hello? Well hello!!! I am not 6 foot tall!! Once again you get my name wrong in front of the company and they start thinking my name is ‘NO Bogart’ too. I am just really friendly and greet everyone
this way – at my eye level. I don’t plan on stopping because sometimes you chase me when I do it and that happens
to be my favorite game.
Another thing, I don’t understand
why you can chase me but when I go down on the road and chase the runners that jog by you have to come and get me in your truck. You could at least let me set up front like a human instead of making me ride in the back like a dog. You really don’t let me have any fun.
Well. I think I have expressed
enough of my concerns.
Now that I have put them in writing I have decided I’ll need two raw hides and six kitty toys. – It’s not that I love the kitties or even like them. They just make a lot of noise when they are hungry and that drives me nuts and I have to give them baths because they are messy little things and that bottle milk you are feeding them smells gross. I am just trying to keep them out of trouble. If I am going to have to babysit them, the least you could do is provide me some toys. Or I guess I could just teach them how to dig some more holes with me. Then you wouldn’t know who to hollar at.

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